Listening a core skill. Do you listen to people? More importantly, do you really hear what they are saying?
My experience says that most people are not really listening to what is being said without some type of filter system. Yes, a filter system is what I said. There are four types of filter systems being used by individuals as part of their natural behavioral style.
The four filtering systems are: Continue reading ‘Are You Listening? It’s a Core Skill.’ »
Are you speaking the same language as the other person you are communicating with today? Really, this is a serious question. No, I’m not talking about English vs. other Foreign languages (however, this is a subject for a later blog post!).
I’m asking about using the same representational system language so others will understand you and get the real message you are sending. Okay, so what are representational systems? These are the ways your brain prefers to think. There are five different systems – which three are primary.
The three primary systems are visual, auditory and kinesthetic. The other two are smell and taste – which are not used as often – yet are in play in some professions such as taste for chefs. A chef will understand the variations of taste and can accurately express their thoughts regarding the taste of food.
To match the language of others you must study the visual, auditory and kinesthetic languages and practice using the words for each group. Practice is a key part of learning to speak the same language as others.
An example of this information is visual thinkers. Visual thinkers use words such as “I see the big picture.”; “the vision of the future is clearing up for me.”; “Let’s look into…”; “This issue is cloudy for me.” If you look into the words used you will see the visual language. Then when dealing with type of thinker you want to use visual words so they can see the message in their minds clearly.
Auditory thinkers use words like hear, sounds, clear as a bell, I like the tone of this, it’s music to my ears. As you read this you will hear the tones and rhythm of the message and it will music to the listeners ears. Use the same language and your message will ring true.
Kinesthetic thinkers are the doers and touchers of the world. They grab things, handle issues, get in touch with others, hang on to ideas, play the game, and hit the home run or carry the ball. These people are the ones that need to hold on to things in order to get it. Once they get a handle on the issues they can carry on.
Okay, there is the crash course on the three primary representational systems and the words that each will use. The key is to get the other person talking and then listen for word patterns. Then use the same pattern as you reply and you will be in rapport. Then you can discuss any topic with objective understanding. Learn to speak the same language and watch your effectiveness in communication increase.
Most of the time I watch people telling their story, thinking they are controlling the situation. Wow, what a mistake! What is really happening? Most of the time they are disengaging their audience. The disengagement comes from not being a part of the conversation – unless they want to interrupt the talker.
Control comes in various forms, from the highly effective to the totally ineffective. Lets go through some of the stages of control starting with the totally ineffective:
Out of Control – you are talking to fill air time. No confidence and no knowledge, just opinions without certainty. Here the talker is usually nervous and it shows to everyone listening. Random and spontaneous without a clear agenda or logic. Lost their listeners by talking with no interaction with the listeners.
Ineffective Control - Most of the time a person in ineffective control is talking without a clear understanding of what they are talking about. They are boring the listener, yet, have no clue about what is really happening. Some information is presented, unfortunately, since the listener is bored, they may have been thinking about something else and missed the point!
Some Control – Actually have a dynamic or unique style and others listen due the presentation rather than the subject. These are the attention gainers, who if they had a great message and a total understanding of their topic could gain total control. Yet, most of the time it is a presentation only format with a total lack of interaction. Thus, while the presentation showed promise, the real learning and understanding is missing in action. Most speakers and sales people are in this category.
Total Control – Be using questions to guide the flow of the conversation, this communicator is both effective and efficient. Because this person knows their subject very well, they know how to ask questions to gain both the attention of the listener and learn how much the listener knows about the topic. Now the real key is the questioner is engaging and using a process that allows for a self-discovery of information and wisdom.
The key for you is to practice your questioning so you can ask questions easily and with a natural flow of curiousness. This natural curiousness allows for you to ask more questions for both clarity and understanding. And, you will control the direction and flow of the conversation. The amazing thing about this process is others will see you as the great communicator as they do all the talking! Start today – ask more questions.
I am amazed that people use the “Why” word so often while talking with others. And, then get offended when the conversation becomes emotional driven. Stop using the why word – today. In the only time you can use this word is when you are talking to yourself.
What’s wrong with using WHY? The reason is simple. When asked “why” people feel they must justify their answer. This justification usually becomes defensive in nature since they are expecting you to tell them the reasons their answer is wrong! This places the situation in an emotional state and objectivity leaves the building.
Before using the why word, think about what you really want to know. Then ask a question that leads to the results that you want. Better starting terms to a question include: What reasons lead you to this decision? What factors were involved in this decision? When you made this decision, did you consider this…?
The reason the why word has become a problem is due to parents tendency to ask their kids during heated discussions – Why did you do this? Thus the start of being told what a bad decision this was. And the cycle is started. Whenever others use the why word – we immediately begin to justify our response.
Take time to think about what you doing and what outcome you want from your communication with others. It will make a difference. Show respect for the other person and they will show respect back. Think equals or in psychological terms – adult to adult – it makes a difference.
Wednesday night I had a date with my wife to see the Great One – Robin Williams live. He was amazing and my ribs are still hurting from all the laughing. So, if you get a chance to catch his current act – just do it – He is that great!
Yet, as I reflected back on his presentation I realized what he did in the opening minutes to connect to the entire audience. First, since it was a sell out performance, I’m certain that everyone there was expecting a great performance from him. Yet, it was the personal connection that he used to grab your attention that caught my attention.
He used no less than five local references that everyone in the audience could relate to – assuming you were from Memphis. Before the global jokes and routine jokes, he made the personal connections talking about Memphis stuff that got our attention and our laughs – because we knew it was true!
Leaders, Managers and Sale People who communicate with others as part of their regular work day need to understand what this master comedian knows. Building rapport is the most important part of your presentation to others. Before the facts, details and your ideas, you must connect with your audience. With one to one or group settings, rapport building opens the door to effective communication.
Rapport Building is the foundation piece for trust. Without trust, very little can get done effectively. Learn to connect with others early and watch how engaging others become. I have watched people who would not give most people the time of day, begin to tell a person who took the time to gain rapport, their life history and all the information necessary to effectively sell to their company! Magic? No. Simple? Yes. If you understand the techniques of rapport building.
If you have no clue about what I am talking about – then it is your responsibility to learn about rapport building. Their are several excellent books on the topic for leaders and sales people. Or, you can get coaching on people skills from someone like us. We have been helping clients learn how to build improved people skills for over a decade. Can us at 901-757-4434 and we will build some rapport!
The past two days we spent time in Baton Rouge and discovered an interesting thing about relationships – even with complete strangers! The event was the Bayou Bash and the common link was LSU football. (You will remember that I used college football analogies in my B2B sales book – Three Games of Selling.)
We met several people who took us into their network of people – just because we have a common interest in the LSU football team. Instant friendships and bonding took place. Information and stories were shared and the bond of friendship became strong.
Now, in the world of business, image how great it would be if people would find a common interest (like helping each other). Sharing of information in an open and honest fashion would open doors that currently seem unopenable and locked. With this freedom of information flow, ideas and solutions to issues would have an opportunity to grow.
There are some organizations or really – people within the organizations – that find this approach to be exciting and productive. So, when confronted with an opportunity to develop a new relationship – find a common link of interest and discuss it. You will find out if a true relationship can be developed during this short exchange. If you feel comfortable, then open up about your issues and ask for suggestions. Your life may change for the better.
So you want to be the next great communicator? What signals are you sending to others? Does your body language agree with your message? Does your Body Language reinforce the power of the message or does it distract the listener?
Okay, you get the message – there needs to be coordination between your body language and your voice or message. How does this work – this coordination of body and message?
Let’s start with a really simple element – eye contact. Yes, making eye contact is the first step to improving your delivery of communication messages. Making eye contact shows confidence in what you are talking about and most importantly is it makes it person even in group settings.
Too often we see people speaking to the ceiling, the wall in the back of a room or worst – looking down at a paper or notes. Not making eye contact is the kiss of death regarding believe in the quality of the message. People want trust and they want information that they can relate to or commit to action.
A couple of other keys is to have good posture. Again, this is a sign of strength that others can relate to or want to relate to strength and confidence. Poor posture includes bending over at the waist, slumping shoulders, or looking down at the floor. Shoulders back and standing tall are signs of strength – use them accordingly.
Use natural jestures especially open palms facing the person or persons you are talking with as it shows a openness to actions. It also shows that you have nothing to hide. Use moderate jestures with your hands and arms. When overused or extreme, others can be distracted from the message and actually miss a critical point.
When doing major presentations to a group of people, stand like an oak tree when you make your major points during the presentation. Moving too fast again is distracting and takes away from the power of your presentation. However, standing firm behind a podium – like a marble statute – takes away from your energy level and likewise the emotional bonding with the group. Movement is good in moderation.
Tone of voice is another form that improves communication. I will discuss this factor in a later post. If you need assistance in your communication skills with others, call me at 901-757-4434. We offer monthly workshops on Effective Communication for Results or personal coaching in several areas. Check out our speaker site for the ECR guy.
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